Hello,
Def Leppard (mispelled?) and Neil Young both had songs that stated, "it's better to burn out than fade away". I may have not shown it, but at times and may it has been constant lurky around me of being burned out emotionally for certainly the last 6 years and perhaps to a lesser degree for the last 29 years. Now this crap if I can call it that I written called "Asking for Advice" about what to (I think I inserted that in my posts there, another sign having memory trouble) do, say, and act towards my daughter. In actually all three of us are all STRESSED OUT. But is just that thing called LIFE. Personally I have gotten to point of being burned out to not only closed down my business here with Disaboom but close down my e-mail accounts (I have two). I walk up to this library and this past Wednesday I was sweatly from walking that 1 1/4 miles one way here to this library. It takes 30 minutes to do this for me. The winter time about 5 minutes more because not getting traction walking over snow and/or ice. Most of you folks and maybe all of you have a personal computer like a laptop or desk kind that you can get to say this Disaboom in even 30 seconds and a slow internet even 5 minutes. I get to this library when it is busy I may have to wait up to additional 20 minutes before I can get a computer. You have sign on a separate computer that you list your name and library card number. It's first come, first served. I get back home to my apartment I take a shower unless there's other pressing matters to do.
Anyway, the walking up here and back with the conceivable amount of time including the bonus 30 minutes (if there is other available computers to use), that's a grand total of 2 1/2 hours. If I didn't do this today, I be back at that place of domain doing something like working on getting laundry done. I'am down only the one last CLEAN underwear. So things like this and general cleaning in our apartment is not now and some things has never been done. Like cleaning the window blinds of the dust on them. I may or may not come across like I'am complaining, but then again I just don't know anymore of if I'am motivated to do this. Maybe I need a break.
That brings this to this matter of goodbye or fade away. Maybe I should say goodbye and close down e-mails. I think the best of everyone here. Everyone who responded to my writings from what I read are MORE VAUABLE than I ever was, now, or ever will be. I don't have a disability now. I see and read Debbie who lost her legs in that motorcycle accident is so cheerful and this in itself is anti-depressing to me. But there is sense of unworthyness that still comes in my thinking for days. All those times over the years that I've been told that, "your're a failure", "your're a loser", "you never amount to anything", "your're lazy and don't want to work". The first and third one I know is the case. In turn I feel at times I'am junk (as I stated before on another website), trash, etc. Again I see people who are worthy, vauable but for myself just the opposite.
Goodbye and fade away could mean the same thing. Then again be different. Probility in the hundreds of times I've thought, "I wish this medical stuff/junk gets WORST, then I could get disability income. Then find a divorce attorney, find a apartment for myself, move out my personal things before those other two persons at my apartment find out, get this divorce over, move out west somewhere, and then never contact my so called family again whatsoever". Fade away in that aspect, or there is that other fade away with sleeping pills and rum, etc. I have not bought those pills. But that thought persists for the last 6 years.
gary
Gary J. Woolard
