Someone somewhere at sometime decided that it would be great fun to serve animal testicles as food. I applaud this resourceful attempt at "recycling" what usually wouldn't be eaten, but it doesn't dimish the "ew" factor in the idea of eating bull balls. While the pale, supposedly tender morsels are called a delicacy by many, they're labeled "offal" when you want to talk official food terms. Why would I want to put something in my mouth classified as "offal"? Offal sounds like awful, and I prefer to keep anything awful out of my digestive system.
Photo by Naked Eyes.
Unfortunately, I'm living in cowboy country. If you're not hiking in the mountains or watching a Broncos game, you're most likely in one of the local country bars. And what's the appetizer of choice at the number one country bar in Denver? Wait for it.... yep. Rocky Mountain Oysters, in all their greasy, breadcrumbed, smashed flat glory.
I found myself at this particular bar a few months ago, hungry, tipsy, and with some very adventurous friends. Returning from the bar with a paper plate full of what looked like deep-fried quarters, one of the guys plopped the plate in the middle of our table and said "Eat up!"
And I did.
Since I'm now a Rocky Mountain Oyster Veteran, I've found that they can be supremely delish if you follow these 10 steps:
1. Do NOT think about what you're eating.
This is imperative. If you start thinking about what you're eating, you will either choke or puke.
2. Be tipsy.
At least 4 beers in. For me, this is flat on my face drunk, but I digress.
3. Use ketchup. And ranch dressing. And honey mustard. All at once.
The more dipping sauces you can fit on this chewy morsel, the better. It will distract you and reinforce the all important step one.
4. Make faces and repeat as many bad jokes you can remember about testicles.
This will give the illusion that you are actually having a good time. It will embolden your friends to try eating the balls while making you the trendsetter. "MMMMM, ever hear the one about the weiner dog named Sparky?"
5. Repeat #1.
Practice your meditation skills and enter that place of peace and calm. You're about to put in your mouth something never meant to go in your mouth.
6. Close your eyes. Stick the greasy thing in your mouth.
Chew quickly, swallow.
7. Immediately drink another beer.
Drain it. This will destroy away the lingering aroma of grease and the aftertaste.
8. Laugh hysterically with your friends at the fact that you just ate a testicle.
Repeat the bad jokes you came up with in number four. Take pictures to record this moment of triumph.
9. Repeat #1-8.
This is at your own risk and only if you're particularly good at holding your liquor.
10. Call a cab to haul your drunk-self home.
Even the most understanding state trooper will not be pleased if you try to drive yourself home after eating Rocky Mountain Oysters. Get a taxi or call a friend to drive you home so you can nurse your beer/ball hangover in peace.
While I have fond memories of that night with my buddies, drinking Coronas, dancing the two-step, and pretending to be cowboys and cowgirls, I prefer to leave the Rocky Mountain Oysters out of the picture. I'll take my Old West experience without the extra dose of testosterone. ^_^
