I know marriage will teach me many things because I've already learned a great deal through preparations for it. We've survived the expected avenues of learning, like pre-marital classes and an online family planning course. And we've also grown in ways that we never expected. We've met a number of couples who are also preparing for marriage and several people who have served as teachers, guides, and coordinators for our pre-marital prep work. In our church, it's fairly extensive.
Our marriage preparations have also taught me something I didn't want to learn-that discrimination based on disability is very much present in our spiritual lives. During our first meeting with a priest and again throughout our first set of pre-marital classes, we were informed of the impediments to marriage as described by the Catholic Church. An impediment is something that makes a marriage invalid (in the eyes of the Church). If Church officials determine you're relationship involves one of these impediments, they will not marry you.
Most are fairly basic:
- Age: The man must be over 16 and the woman over 14 years of age.
- Abduction: Neither party can kidnap the other in an effort to get hitched!
- Murder: The Church frowns upon a couple murdering their current spouses to run off together.
Those seem reasonable. If you're interested in others, here's a brief overview.
Then there's this little bit:
Impotence: If a couple cannot consummate their marriage (through the most traditional form of sex), the Church will not marry them. Impotence is an impediment only if it is absolute, permanent, and present before marriage.
This caught my attention...so I started asking questions-to my priest, to the literature, and to the teachers of the pre-marital class where I learned this information.
Much of what I found was disappointing. I had hoped that this strange Canon Law might be more hypothetical than practical. Surely-the Church wouldn't really deny marriage to a loving couple simply because one (or both) were paralyzed or had another disability that made traditional sex impossible?! Unfortunately, it has happened. Here's just one recent example.
This Canon Law can be traced back to a Cardinal named Zacchia who included impotence as a barrier to marriage in 1587...
1587!
Isn't it about time we review this old and discriminatory way of thinking? My Church and others have worked hard to identify and eradicate sexist and racist attitudes in teachings and policies-so why is this acceptable? It has absolutely no connection to family planning because the Catholic Church only requires that you be open to the idea of children. There's no stipulation you need to be able to biologically have them on your own.
I posed this question to the pre-marital class leaders (who I hope don't dread the day they volunteered to teach our class). They told me they'd share the comparison that helped them understand the need for the law. [Brace yourself for the frustration that followed.] They said, "If a blind person could pass a driver's test, should they still get their license?"
I was not amused...
First, I know many blind people. None of which have any urge to kill themselves or anyone else by driving. Yes-the independence of driving would be lovely. But that wouldn't last long if you were actually blind and driving.
Second, this example is bogus! How do two people who love each endanger themselves or the rest of us?
This illogical example is repeated throughout the pre-marital texts and in seminars. After its failed delivery, Our class leaders attempted to rebound with a long speech about how they are sure a couple with a disability (or disabilities) could enjoy a love-filled marriage but it wasn't the "marital kind of love." That's not very comforting after I've just spent weeks learning why this "marital kind of love" will be so great.
If anything was comforting, it was the fact that we were not alone in our feelings about this injustice to people with disabilities. Another women in our group shared her invisible disability and several others voiced their disagreement with the inclusion of impotence as an impediment to marriage. In the end, our class leaders somewhat threw up their hands and said, "Some things have to be left to faith."
I agree. But not this.
Since this class a few months ago, I'm reminded that nothing-no person, no faith, and no institution-is perfect. It's possible for me to be overjoyed to be married in the Catholic Church (in only 12 days) while still hoping for the day the Church will become more accepting.
I hesitated to write on this aspect of disability and marriage because my religion is a private aspect of my life. It is in no way intended to open up unrelated criticism to the Catholic Church, but I am open to your thoughts. Learning about this impediment and its current application was disturbing to me. I feel like keeping those thoughts and feelings a secret does more to perpetuate than resolve what I see as a problem. I'm not embarrassed or disappointed by my faith. I just see room for it to grow.
ETA: In response to some confusion that MY marriage was being denied or this Canon Law relates to my relationship with my soon-to-be husband-it doesn't. Osteogenesis Imperfecta does not cause impotence. Finding out about this impediment concerned me as an advocate, friend, and member of the disability culture. I remain proud to be a Catholic.
To the eloquent commenter on reddit who suggests, "If you don't like it, walk...(from the Church)."
Walking rarely interests me!
