Hiding in Plain Sight

I update my status at Facebook and, 9 times out of 10, whatever I write has everything to do with Sweetie and nothing to do with me.

I go for coffee with a friend I haven't seen in a long time and, when asked how I am, I start blabbering on about Hubby's new hobbies or Sweetie's crazy antics.

We 3 spend the day with friends - aka, Hubby's friend, his wife and little girl; people I'm not entirely familiar with nor comfortable around - and I again dodge the "how are you" question by turning the question back on the asker.... with follow up questions to ensure my "turn" doesn't come around again.

Hubby "logically" details why it's so very important that he's able to purchase various woodworking tools "for the betterment of the upcoming holidays/gift making abilities" and  - since he has just won a monetary prize for his woodworking skills - I approve of said purchases.

I too am waiting for a monetary "bonus" at the end of this month - but I know I'll be putting that money towards regular bills or possibly something special for Sweetie. I don't personally need anything.

I don't cook because I know Hubby enjoys doing it. Since he's so involved, why should it matter if I learn how to cook well too?

I manage our checkbook, but when it comes to more "heavy duty" banking or financial management questions, I refer to Hubby for guidance. Right now I'm avoiding calling my 401K company back because I don't believe I'll know how to answer their question successfully without Hubby right beside me to feed me the answers.

I haven't been able to shake a bad habit I've been managing since childhood. I've been able to stop doing said activity for, oh, almost as long as a year at a time. But I've never been able to completely give it up. And I'm not at all confident that I'll ever be fully free from its grips.

I job search every day and yet I don't apply to so many positions because, for one reason or another, I "know" I'd not be able to perform the given job well and/or would not be able to successfully impress the hiring manager(s) enough to give me a shot.

I bark at Sweetie to "open your ears", "pay attention" and "be a good girl". I lose my patience with her because she "knows better" than to do such and such. At the same time, I'm ever appreciative of her proper behavior, of her wonderfully confident and exuberant outlook on life, as well as her intelligence, creativity and curiousity. I'm constantly doing what I can to guide her toward a life of "can do" strength and attitude.... something I'm, obviously, lacking for myself.

In short - I now see something I've honestly not noticed before. I'm avoiding myself. I'm not believing in my own worth. I'm underestimating my own talents, abilities and potential. I'm "doing" for the benefit of others, not myself.

But, good news - at least I realize this now. And I will do what I can to change that.

Starting with my Facebook status... 

From now on, it's all about me, baby! Cuz if Mama's happy, then everyone's happy. Right? Right.