Laughter is the best medicine! Have some of my favorite positive jokes about the disability experience, collected over the months and years.
My Living Will
Last night, my husband and I were sitting in the living room and I said
to him, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the
plug."
He got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
Parking Ticket
You are parked in a space clearly designated for disabled persons, and do not have a clearly displayed placard entitling you to park in this space. Please
circle the statement which best describes your disability:
1. I suffer from terminal laziness.
2. My shoes are too expensive to walk in.
3. Wheelchair symbol? I thought it was a rocking chair!
4. My religion forbids acts of common courtesy.
5. I ignore OTHER laws, why not this one?
6. I am disabled. I have a painfully swollen ego.
Experimental Surgery
A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital
in his wheelchair, just before his operation. A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"
He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry,
I'm sure it will be all right."
"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"
You Might Be a Redneck with a Disability If...
* Any part of your wheelchair is painted in camo
* You have a wheelchair up on blocks in your front yard.
* You rigged up a beer cooler powered off your chair batteries.
* You wear cowboy, biker, or work boots, even though they're hard to put
on and you can't walk anyway.
* You adjusted your headrest so it'll stop knocking off your hat.
* You installed a gun rack on the back of your wheelchair.
* Your joystick [which does not live up to its name] is a billiard ball,
car stick shift knob, beer. tap, or similar item.
* You ever thought about jacking your chair up 2 or 3 feet.
* You have knobby mud tires - that never get dirty.
* You installed a sound system so your chair will sound like a truck or
hog.
* You installed a whip antenna just so you could fly the stars and bars!
* There is a 'Harley' decal or emblem permanently attached to your chair.
* You installed a CB behind or under your chair.
* You replaced your seat with a Barco Lounger.
* You found the above Barco Lounger at the side of the road.
* You named your chair 'Bubba', 'Junior', 'Daisy', or 'Killer'.
* There is some part of a deer decorating any part of your chair.
* You have ever thought about smuggling moonshine in the tubing or battery
compartment of the chair.
* You, while in your wheelchair, ever made any roadkill.
* The accessories hangin' on the chair weigh more than 1/3 what your w/c
does.
* You browse truck catalogs looking for ways to soup up your wheelchair.
* You want to add a side-car or a 'sweet little trailer'.
* You wear a 4 pound belt buckle that cuts into your stomach as you sit.
* The fringe of your jacket or strings of your bolo tie have ever gotten
caught in your wheels - but you wear it anyway.
* You regularly call up Harley Davidson and ask when they're going to
start making wheelchairs.
* You have spent more than an hour trying to figure out how to hang fuzzy
dice from your chair.
* Duct tape plays a major role in your repair and maintenance plan.
* You read this list and found yourself thinking, at any point, "Now that's
a good idea!"
Temporary Amnesia
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood
up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
Rowdy Patrons
A guy walked into the bar one night and saw a couple of people sitting at a table, silently moving their hands and fingers around.
"What're they doing?" he asked the bartender.
"Oh, they're deaf and using sign language to communicate," was the reply.
All of a sudden the deaf customers started waving their arms wildly in the air, making identical gestures, grinning and jumping out of their seats, swaying side-to-side.
The
bartender jumped over the bar, grabbed them by the arms and threw them
out.
When he got back behind the bar, the customer asked, "What did you
do that for?"
The bartender said, "They know damned well we don't allow singing after the fourth pint!"
Mixed Traffic Signals
An Englishman is showing two young American girls around London during
their holiday. When they reach a Pelican crossing, he presses the
button, and after a few seconds the pedestrian signal makes the
familiar "beep beep beep" sound.
"What's that for?" asks one of the girls.
"Oh, that's just to let blind people know that the lights have changed," replies the Englishman.
"Oh my GAWWWD!" she exclaims, obviously shocked. "In the States, we don't even let them drive!"
Hiring Incentive
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a strange noise he heard in the engine," she explained.
"Oh, and it took a while to fix it?" said the passenger.
"Not exactly." replied the stewardess, "It just took us a bit to find a deaf pilot."
A Perfect Match
A woman frustrated by a string of lousy relationships placed a personal advertisement:
"SWF, 35, seeks man who will not beat me or chase skirts for LTR. Must be good in bed!"
After several days with no response, the doorbell rang. She answered the door to find a handsome powerchair user with no arms or legs on her porch.
"Hello," said he, "I saw your personal advertisement. As you can see, I have no arms, so I won't beat you. I have no legs, so I won't chase after young ladies."
"But," said she, "Are you good in bed?"
"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
Baby Names
An unmarried woman is newly pregnant and gets into an auto accident.
She suffers a traumatic brain injury and lapses into a coma for nine months. When
she awakens in the hospital, she panics and asks about her baby.
Her doctor is called in and gives her a mild sedative, then he sits
down to answer her questions. "I'm so happy to see you recovering", he
says.
The woman responds, "Thank you doctor, but what about my baby? Is
everything all right?"
He replies, "Yes, despite your serious injury, we were
able to perform a fairly normal delivery procedure. In fact," he goes on, "you've given birth to twins - a boy and a
girl."
The woman is very happy and asks when she can see her new
babies.
The doctor replies, "Right away, but we've already sent the
infants home with your brother. We'll call and tell him you're okay.
While you were unconscious, your brother took care of everything for
you. He even gave the babies names."
At this point, the woman gets upset, "Doctor, my brother is an incorrigible practical joker!
What name did he give my little girl?"
The doctor answered that her
name was Denise.
"Oh, Denise, that's not so bad. What name did he give
my boy?"
The doctor answered, "Denephew".
